SO does not accept

I came out to my wife a year ago. I should have done this a long time ago, before we got married, but Ariane was dormant then. Our married life has been a succession of my secretly buying clothes, being scared of her discovering them, then purging. Until my female urge became so strong that I could hide it no longer.

She was completely taken aback. She had absolutely no idea of my trans inclination. She found it very hard to take. Particularly that I had already come out to some supportive friends – she felt betrayed by that. She wanted to know if I had spoken to anyone professional (as if this was a problem that I needed to sort out). Clearly she hoped it would just another fad that would go away.

Usually when we argue (this isn't often), I get all defensive, and words are hard to find. But this time was different. I felt very calm. I explained that I had felt this way for most of my life, I now felt complete, and I wasn't going back.

She wanted to know whether I was going to transition fully – even whether I wanted to stay married to her. In an ideal world I would go under the knife. I think of myself as female and I want my body to come into line. But I also want to stay married to my wife and keep in touch with our two lovely sons. So I have held back. The unspoken deal is that I will not present as female when my family are at home, and I will not come out to her friends or her family. If she wants to tell them, that's fine.

We have not discussed my gender issues at all since then. So there is an equilibrium. But I am glad I told her. I no longer have to feel guilty about my female clothes. These are now in a wardrobe in my study. Also it is so much easier for me to be Ariane in other circumstances – either at home alone, or out with friends, or when I travel. For example I have been to Manchester a few times to watch City play. I go to the game as Ariane and no one gives me any trouble. The police call me Madam. I like that, because that's what I am, and don't you forget it. I have also spent days walking in the countryside on short breaks when I was Ariane the whole time.

At some point I may want to raise these issues again with my family. But not yet. I am just enjoying being who I am.

Tags: LGBT+